makna hidup

baca komik, nonton drama, ngejalanin hidup dan ngelihat orang-orang disekitarku, aku jadi belajar banyak hal... dari semuanya, salah satunya adalah bagiamana manusia menjalani hidup. kita hidup dengan mencari makna kehidupan itu sendiri. semua berjalan di jalan masing-masing dan memberi makna dalam kehidupannya dengan menghidupinya.

hahahaha... mungkin terdengar agak membingungkan.

sejak lahir, manusia bertumbuh dengan satu pertanyaan 'apa makna eksistensinya di dunia?'. dengan berbagai cara manusia berusaha menjawab pertanyaan ini. terkadang pertanyaan ini terjawab dalam senyuman orang yang kita kasihi. terkadang melalui anggukan persetujuan dan penerimaan orang lain. terkadang melalui benda-benda yang menjadi milik kita. terkadang dalam sebuah pemandangan alam yang luar biasa. terkadang dalam aliran hujan. terkadang dalam lembaran-lembaran yang menandakan pencapaian kita. terkadang dalam diam.

semua jawaban hanyalah jawaban sesaat. pada momen tertentu, sesuatu menjadi jawaban untuk pertanyaan itu dan jawaban itu berubah-ubah sepanjang perjalanan kehidupan kita. tidak ada jawaban yang mutlak. yang ada hanyalah jawaban untuk saat ini, sekarang ini.

sekarang ini, berusaha menuangkan pemahaman ini dalam sebuah tulisan adalah jawabanku akan pertanyaan itu. beberapa saat yang lalu, aku merasa hidup untuk bisa berbincang dengan temanku dan tertawa dengannya. entah apa yang akan menjadi jawabanku untuk setelah aku selesai menulis ini. yang aku harapkan hanyalah agar aku tidak pernah kehilangan makna eksistensiku. semoga aku bisa selalu menjalani kehidupan yang memiliki makna, yang memiliki jawaban akan pertanyaan itu. dengan demikian, aku tahu aku tidak menyia-nyiakan eksistensiku. semoga...

crazy fun life

it's been years since the last time I wrote in my blog... i underwent some drastic changes and thought that I am a whole new person now. but as I read through all my posts from the past, I realized that it was all part of life process... :)

as for now, I find my self being at the crossroad of life again... the time has once more come, when I have to pick a choice and go forward to towards a new path that my choice leads me... at time like this, I try to ask myself "what do you want to do with your life?" "what is your dream?" "what is happiness to you right now?" and as always, at time like this the answer will be so unclear... hhh...

I don't really know what to do with my life. I have so many dreams i want to fulfill, I don't know where to start. I don't really know what happiness for me right now.

hahahaha... what a crazy fun life we lead!!! things will never be boring this way. life is about growing up from one thing to another, about learning things you haven't even heard before, about experiencing things unimaginable... life is about facing the unexpected things and trying to make the best out of it all... and choosing a new path to go on living is part of this crazy fun life. no matter which choice we take, we'll find challenges and learn new things...

our choices and all those unpredictable consequences of them and then how we react to these consequences are the things that shape us and make us who we are...

menghadapi ketakutan terbesar dan luka yang terdalam

hampir saja aku mengutuk Tuhan!!

baru beberapa hari setelah aku harus berusaha keras menahan air mata di tengah peribadahan... baru beberapa hari setelah aku harus menelan makianku dan meng'iya'kan sebuah tanggung jawab yang mengerikan buatku...

setelah semuanya, masih ada lagi yang ditambahkan kepadaku.

apa Tuhan iri ketika aku bisa tersenyum sedikit saja? apa Tuhan iri kalau aku ternyata bisa menghadapi jalan ini dengan cukup mudah?

mau sampai kapan aku didorong ke batas akhirku?
mau sampai kapan aku dipaksa berdiri dan dilempari hal-hal yang menyakitkan?
mau sampai kapan aku harus berdiri kuat ketika lututku sudah mengerang ingin berlutut dan menyerah?

dan mengapa Tuhan tidak menghadapi konsekuensi apa pun dari semua ini? inilah mengapa aku sulit percaya kalau Tuhan ada dalam penderitaan kita. apa sih yang dilakukannya? akulah yang menangis. akulah yang meratap. akulah yang kesulitan. akulah yang harus menghadapi semuanya.

apa tidak cukup kalau aku harus menghadapi luka terdalamku? haruskah aku juga dipaksa menghadapi ketakutan terbesarku?

Apa Tuhan juga terlalu memandang tinggi aku? Apa Tuhan tidak bisa melihat aku yang sudah hampir tercabik?

Mengapa aku merasa seperti sedang dipermainkan? ketika aku justru sudah ingin berdamai denganmu, apakah kau begitu benci padaku? harus bagaimana lagi aku bersikap dengan semua ini?

Surprised of ME!!!

I was afraid... afraid to begin something I didn't like... but that something is thing I have to do.

at that time, I struggled so hard... if it is possible I wish I could skip this thing and get over with it in one day... but reality didn't seem that easy. there were times when I think I would cry in any given moment just because this thing I have to do. and there was time when I actually cried over things I would have to leave behind to do what I have to do. really I just didn't want to do it.

and now, here I am... doing thing I didn't want to do. here I am... leaving behind things I love to do. and here I am, feeling alright and actually enjoying this thing, so far.  I write "so far" because being me and understanding how my mind goes up and down, I can't be sure of what will come in my mind next. but for now, I do enjoy doing this thing. I'm surprised of me!!! hahahahaha... maybe I was thinking too hard. maybe I just loved my life in Jogja too much. maybe I was just too afraid. well, it's not that easy here. but it's not that hard either. I still miss my life in Jogja but I don't hate mine here either. 

Just hoping I won't blow this little peaceful and meaningful life I have here with some stupid things I tend to do unintentionally... 

this is my life

my life is never flat. since the time I know the world... since my childhood, I've known fear, hurt, distrust, comfort, warm, love and many more.. I know the feeling of losing someone you love. I know the feeling of finding your half one. I know the feeling of regret when you hurt someone you care the most. I know the secure feeling when I trust someone completely. I know how devastating is the feeling of insecure. I've done many good deeds. I've done too many bad things...
if i were to describe my life in a paint, it would be an abstract painting so colorful with both bright and dark colors in it. 
I can't say I'm completely proud of things I've done... there's so many dark side of me that I'm ashamed of...
and I don't even know why I'm writing this blog now.
hahaahahahahaha...

It was in the end of march 2007. it should be spring time already, but weird enough the snowfall was so heavy at that day. It almost reached  my knees by evening. Everyone surprised, but this out of season snowfall was really beautiful. This is a photo I took when I was walking back home from school at that time. We (my friends and I) were cold. We wore no winter jacket, cause it was spring time already. We were cold but still this snowfall hold our breathe in awe.

"How mysterious life is. How great this world and it's creator." in a foreign land where I wasn't used to it yet, I had such thoughts. At that time, my mind flew right to my family and friends in my beloved tropical homeland. How hot it must be there in my coastal hometown. Yet, here in the same earth, it was freezing cold! I remember I was reaching out my hands trying to catch some of those snowfall. "this is water. In my hometown, this snowfall would come as pouring rain." it's just a matter of form, but the mood it brings was so different.  It was all white and quite. I feel so calm and at ease. I can't deny that sometimes I swore because of the cold. Well, I can't do anything about it. I was raised in a country where the everday temperature was never go down more than 25°C.  Yet, in winter days the temperature could reach -10°C... But still, even now I still miss this scenery sometimes. It's just another proof of how mighty and crafty the Creator is. There, in the cold and white snow, I found myself wondering about GOD and how is HE able to carefully create this little piece of snowflake one by one. His thoroughness is so wonderful, I can't find words good enough to explain what I thought at that time.

Semesta Kopi – 01 April 2012

I’m enjoying this moment. To be free to roam in this beautiful city. To be alone and be able to contemplate things. J how beautiful life is.. Even in the darkest of our time, there’s still moments of joy we can feel and share with others.. I do love being alone. But I’m not againts being with friends either. To have friends is such a wonderful thing in this scary and lonely world. To have balance within it is what we need. Being with others and being alone.. to share and to contemplate.. to act and to think.. It’s all go for circle of life J life is great when u know how to enjoy it! To live means to be alive! I do some problems with me. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I am ignorant at some points. I cry sometimes. I am being a coward at some events. I am cruel to some people. But still, it not enough reason reason to fall into depression and stop enjoying life. For life is far greater than just me. Life is far better than just my wisdom. Life is about US and not ME. I alone cannot live my life. My life consists of me and other people.. so do yours. J let’s live together..