this is my life

my life is never flat. since the time I know the world... since my childhood, I've known fear, hurt, distrust, comfort, warm, love and many more.. I know the feeling of losing someone you love. I know the feeling of finding your half one. I know the feeling of regret when you hurt someone you care the most. I know the secure feeling when I trust someone completely. I know how devastating is the feeling of insecure. I've done many good deeds. I've done too many bad things...
if i were to describe my life in a paint, it would be an abstract painting so colorful with both bright and dark colors in it. 
I can't say I'm completely proud of things I've done... there's so many dark side of me that I'm ashamed of...
and I don't even know why I'm writing this blog now.
hahaahahahahaha...

It was in the end of march 2007. it should be spring time already, but weird enough the snowfall was so heavy at that day. It almost reached  my knees by evening. Everyone surprised, but this out of season snowfall was really beautiful. This is a photo I took when I was walking back home from school at that time. We (my friends and I) were cold. We wore no winter jacket, cause it was spring time already. We were cold but still this snowfall hold our breathe in awe.

"How mysterious life is. How great this world and it's creator." in a foreign land where I wasn't used to it yet, I had such thoughts. At that time, my mind flew right to my family and friends in my beloved tropical homeland. How hot it must be there in my coastal hometown. Yet, here in the same earth, it was freezing cold! I remember I was reaching out my hands trying to catch some of those snowfall. "this is water. In my hometown, this snowfall would come as pouring rain." it's just a matter of form, but the mood it brings was so different.  It was all white and quite. I feel so calm and at ease. I can't deny that sometimes I swore because of the cold. Well, I can't do anything about it. I was raised in a country where the everday temperature was never go down more than 25°C.  Yet, in winter days the temperature could reach -10°C... But still, even now I still miss this scenery sometimes. It's just another proof of how mighty and crafty the Creator is. There, in the cold and white snow, I found myself wondering about GOD and how is HE able to carefully create this little piece of snowflake one by one. His thoroughness is so wonderful, I can't find words good enough to explain what I thought at that time.

Semesta Kopi – 01 April 2012

I’m enjoying this moment. To be free to roam in this beautiful city. To be alone and be able to contemplate things. J how beautiful life is.. Even in the darkest of our time, there’s still moments of joy we can feel and share with others.. I do love being alone. But I’m not againts being with friends either. To have friends is such a wonderful thing in this scary and lonely world. To have balance within it is what we need. Being with others and being alone.. to share and to contemplate.. to act and to think.. It’s all go for circle of life J life is great when u know how to enjoy it! To live means to be alive! I do some problems with me. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I am ignorant at some points. I cry sometimes. I am being a coward at some events. I am cruel to some people. But still, it not enough reason reason to fall into depression and stop enjoying life. For life is far greater than just me. Life is far better than just my wisdom. Life is about US and not ME. I alone cannot live my life. My life consists of me and other people.. so do yours. J let’s live together..

try try try

I’m not perfect. I knew this long ago…

in this despair I learn something. people make mistakes… people take wrong turns… people have regrets… but the winner are those who are able to pick up the pieces and move on with new knowledge and wisdom.

it’s not easy at all. harder when I have to acknowledge my faults and my weaknesses… harder when I have to admit that I am weak and not as strong as I seem to be.

but I’ll keep trying… not to be crushed by the wave and the wind. not to be defeated by fate and what people call disaster. not to give up on myself. for I was born to be a winner and to do great things in THE ONE who created me and THE REASON of my existence.

when I look back...

well, it's 2012 already... this year I'll be 24 years old. haha...^^ I'm not a naive yet impulsive little teenager anymore. but maybe I am still a lil' bit naive and as impulsive as I was before. :) 

there are so many thing that I've been through as I live my life... I've been changing and changing through all the process in life... but still, in the end, I am who I am right now. and the ME now is a lil' bit different then how I was and a lil' bit different then how I'm going to be in the future... well, not all aspect in ME have changed. there are still some that keep intact and unchanging through all these years... but then again, I can't really say so, for I can't really differentiate which is which... 

ahahaha... I'm being confusing right now. my words seem to be more complicated that I meant it to be. as for now, I want to tell you a story... about my short (*or long??) conversation with one of my close friend. several days ago, we've been talking about our life changing experiences last year... and at that time, I told him that this Christmas holiday, I realized something important. I've been trying too hard to change my careless way of life, that I became way too serious and forget how to enjoy my life... at that time, I envied my old self which was so careless and joyful. I was a risk taker or to better put it "I never think before I act". ahaha... that life was so chaotic and full of mistakes, but enjoyable... I have some regrets indeed, but not in sense that I want to go back and change everything in my life. I thought how great it'd be if I could be the same person again, the one who was so careless with happy go lucky personality... 

but then again, that's how I WAS not how I AM. I need to accept the reality that I've changed. there's no use to it, if I'm being depressed wanting to be my old self again. all I need to do now is not just looking back all the time. I think, this is a moment that can change my life once more. whether I want to be serious or careless, I need to face the present time and go through this process. well, let's just enjoy this 2012 and welcome all that may come this year with hope, faith and love. the three things that'll keep you smile in the middle of disaster, for with those things you know that there's still something good even in the worst situation. (*.*)